A little infertility humor...

I recently discovered this web series.  It's pretty great!

Grieving and moving on

First, I appreciate everyone's support through this whole process.  You ladies can really relate to what I'm going through, more than anyone I know in "real life."  I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your thoughts, prayers and wonderful comments.

I had a rough day Friday after hearing the news.  I got the news while at work, and had to keep myself together until I got home.  I already pretty much knew it was over, so it wasn't a total shock.  It was hard to break it to the Bunny, but he took it a lot better than I expected.  He just comforted me and said we'll have to keep trying.  After a lot of tears, now I just feel numb.  I know it's not the end of the world.  After losing my wonderful Dad at age 22, no other hardship in my life has been as bad as that.  So, that helps me put things in perspective.

Now, I need to talk to my clinic to get their point of view on why this failed, especially since it was such a "perfect" cycle.  I really like my clinic, but their frozen embryo transfer (FET) results are pretty dismal.  There is a much better clinic about 30 minutes away in Philadelphia.  So, I may switch clinics for the FET.  I'm still waiting for AF to start, but we'd like to do the FET maybe in April or May.   We have 5 frozen embies, so hopefully we'll get 2 FET's out of it.

Notes from RE consult #3

Following up on the last post, I did actually get AF later that day!  So, that issue resolved, I guess.  I should be ovulating sometime in the next few days, but this and the next cycle will be natural.  Yesterday I met with a new RE from a famous national practice.  It's in my state, but about an hour and a half from my house.  I was in the "neighborhood" (relatively speaking) for work yesterday, so I made an appointment.  The meeting was very interesting and I learned a lot of fascinating things.  The doctor thinks that we have several factors at work here, all to do with me: 1) endometriosis - the fact that some was found and removed is important.  He says even if it was a mild case, there can be damage or problems on a microscopic level that is causing problems.  2) my FSH level was a little high one of the times it was tested (it was 8.0 in September and 6.4 in October) - the 6.4 is OK but 8 means that it's creeping up.  He says it normally goes up gradually over time with age, the fact that it's fluctuating could be an issue.  3) possibly an immunity issue, which also is linked to the endometriosis.  He explained about how the body naturally fights off the endometrial cells when they leave the uterus, but those killer cells can also damage the egg when it is moving between the ovary and fallopian tube, causing it to not be fertilizable. (is that a word?)  IVF solves this because the eggs are removed directly from the ovary.  So, it can explain why, even though I'm ovulating and my tubes are open, I'm not getting pregnant.  He did bloodwork to check my natural killer cells level, they have a treatment for people with high killer cells in IVF cases.  Not all doctors believe in the science behind this, but the doctor who founded their clinic has done a lot of research on this and incorporated it into his treatment plans.  He thinks there is no male factor in our case.  We just did the killer cell bloodwork to see what shows up, but thinks I should go ahead with the IVF at my current clinic.  Another interesting thing he said was that there could be a DQ Alpha match which prevents our pregnancy - basically, that we could be too genetically similar.  So, it was pretty enlightening.  We'll see what the bloodwork turns up.


In other news, heading on vacation from tomorrow till the 20th!  Yay!  Happy Holidays to everyone and thanks for all your support!

More drama..

Sorry for not posting for a while!  We've been busy the last few weeks with travel and general holiday craziness.  Picking up where we left off last time, I got a copy of my file from my RE and reviewed it thoroughly.  Nothing really stands out.  All my bloodwork levels were normal, and DH's semen analysis was normal.  I was a little concerned with his morphology - it was only 5% normal, but that is apparently in the "normal" range.  So, no answers there.  I touched base with the IVF coordinator about what I need to do now - she told me to call when I got my period (which was due last Friday or Saturday) to schedule the bloodwork and saline sonogram.  I'm now on CD 35 and still no period.  This is epically long for me - the longest cycle that I have had, possibly ever.  I'm definitely not pregnant (trust me).  So, I called my doctor yesterday to see what was up.  They made me come in for a beta / progesterone test today and may have to give me something to start my period.  This is truly bizarre.  So, it's looking like it will be 2 more cycles till we start IVF.

The Hail Mary cycle

I'm on CD15 of our "Hail Mary" cycle before we do IUI #4.  I've been using the CBE monitor this month and got "peak" days on Saturday and Sunday, a glaring positive OPK yesterday and I think I ovulated this morning from the left side.  We did the deed accordingly.  I'm going to start seeing a new acupuncturist near my office - I'm waiting for her to call and schedule a consultation.  I've really missed it since I stopped going in February and I've decided it's worth the expense.  I'm going to try and do IUI #4 and 5 back to back in Sept / Oct, then if they both fail we'll reevaluate in the New Year.  I'm feeling good mentally and enjoying what's left of the summer.  I hope you all are doing well - things have been quiet around here so I hope someone is still reading.  I don't track my analytics because I'm terrified of finding out that someone I know in real life is reading.  I don't know why that freaks me out, but it does!

Chillaxing

Checking in from our beach house.  Sooo glad we put off the injectables IUI till next cycle.  I had court three days in a row last week so it would have really screwed up my schedule if I'd had to go to the RE at 7AM on those days.  I've run a few miles this week and because we put off the IUI, we have been able to come down to our beach house this weekend.  I'll also be coming down next weekend, when my mom and siblings will all be down.  I used the CBEFM for the first time today, we'll see how that goes.  I was hesitant to buy it, but I figured what the hell, I've tried everything else.  I got it used off e.bay.  Last cycle was really weird because AF showed up two days late (on CD 30) - I would have been freaking if I didn't know with 100% certainty that I wasn't pregnant.  Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their summer!

Public service announcement

I was driving through rural Delaware yesterday on my way home from the beach and saw not one, but two billboards warning women not to smoke while pregnant.  Do they really need to put out an all-points bulletin on that one??

Feeling strangely great...

I had to share this, because it's something I haven't experienced in a while.  As I've mentioned before, I have a history of depression dating back to at least when I was a teenager, possibly even earlier.  I wasn't officially diagnosed until my early 20's.  It's not severe and it's been managed with fairly low doses of meds, on and off, for about 6 or 7 years.  I used to think it was SAD, until I started getting depressed in the summer too.  I have been off the meds since around January, because I was worried it would affect my TTC.  I felt like I was sliding back into depression in May, and that's when I started seeing the infertility counselor.  I've been feeling good this summer and not having my usual symptoms (not being able to get up in the morning, high anxiety, lack of concentration at work, etc)  Anyway, I took last week and this week off work (let's call it a "stay-cation", but actually it's because I'm re-taking the NJ bar exam. Long story, since I'm already licensed in PA, I don't really want to get into it now.  Let's keep it under our hats, shall we?)  I have been feeling absolutely GREAT this last week.  Is it because I'm getting about 10 hours of sleep a night?  Is it because the last 2 months of working and studying 24-7 is nearly over and I can finally enjoy my summer?  I don't know, but I can't remember the last time I felt this good.  On Friday night, I sat outside on my deck with my husband, books and a glass of wine for over 2 hours and it was absolutely divine, I tell you.  There were goldfinches and hummingbirds on the bird feeders, and it was a beautiful, balmy night.  Anyway, I want to memorialize this moment on my blog, because I don't feel this great that often!

A quick apology...

A quick apology for the goofed-up design of the blog this week.  I'm updating the design and it may look jacked up for a few days... Stay tuned and thanks for reading.

Spring has sprung!

Well, Spring has definitely sprung here in NJ. The trees are blooming, flowers everywhere, it's really gorgeous. We took a nice trip to Florida (though the weather wasn't so great) and had some nice quality time with my hubby. I have taken a total break from dealing with my infertility. (I mean TOTAL - I suspended my fertility friend account, no OPK's, no charting, and I don't honestly know what cycle day I am on). Though I still think about it every day, it's not an all-consuming obsession like it has been the last few months. I ran a 5K last Saturday and have been spending time with family. We may not do the 3rd IUI in May - some family activities are interfering with the scheduling of it and we would be out of town on CD12 and 14. So, it may be June or July. No biggie, this break has been great!

Moving on...

Still here - still alive! The last two "natural" months have not worked. Timing has been an issue - the fertile window fell Christmas week in December and we had company, which made "doing the deed" a little difficult. Then in mid-January, my husband broke his arm snowboarding and was totally wacked out on meds during the fertile window. So, to be fair, we didn't "try" as much as we should have. We will do one more natural month, then another IUI in March. Work has been INSANELY busy and I've been in court multiple times a week for the last two weeks. I'm almost completely off the Zoloft and feeling good and positive. I've started Weight Watchers and am trying to stick with the plan, though I've been somewhat lax about it. I was thinking about completely cutting out sugar and dairy for a month or two, but I don't think it's a good diet for TTC. I also started a new power hot yoga class which is awesome! Hope everyone is doing great.

Checking in... happy new year everyone. We are still in our "just relaxing" phase, probably won't do another IUI until at least February. I am continuing with the TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine). I saw my TCM lady last night and we looked at my charts for the last 5 cycles (since I started TCM). You can definitely see a shift in my temperatures, especially during the luteal phase. They have gone up into the mid-98's and my luteal phase has gotten a little bit longer. She once again says that she really thinks I can conceive naturally, as long as we have intercourse at least 3x during the fertile window. We'll see if she's right. I'm also weaning myself off Zoloft, which I have been taking for about 3 months after a pretty severe bout of depression. I've been feeling much better and am hoping that the TCM will help my moods as well.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night...

Still here, doing fine. I had a nice trip to the in-laws' last weekend and a relaxing, laid back Christmas with my family. I had a bit of a breakdown after a family Christmas party a few weeks ago -- on the way home I started thinking of how last Christmas I thought we'd have a baby by now. We didn't even put up our tree this year. Not thinking much about TTC or fertility - just trying to keep busy with some housework and work stuff. I did ovulate last week, but trying not to think about any of this.

I have a history of pretty bad depression and have been on and off meds for a few years. I started Zoloft in the summer, because things had gotten really bad and I was having a lot of trouble functioning. It has made a big difference in my life and makes me feel "normal" again. My RE is aware that I'm taking it and hasn't said anything. I have been thinking that maybe I should stop taking it - I'm concerned that it may interfere with the fertility meds or somehow contribute to my infertility. I need to talk to my doc about it. What do you guys think?

I want to wish all of you a very merry Christmas and happy, healthy new year. This blog has really helped me cope and feel like I'm not alone. Cheers!

IUI #1 - Lessons learned

I'm hanging in there. No real breakdown, just a general feeling of disappointment and sadness. I have lots of work and Christmas activities to keep me busy. Just trying to "relax," as they say.

Lessons learned from IUI #1:
1. All the crazy symptoms were probably the result of the Clomid and HCG.
2. Clomid makes me fat, bloated and covered in zits.
3.The more people you tell about the IUI, the more people you have to tell that it didn't work.

Goals for this month:
1. Start exercising again and try to lose a few pounds. I am at an all-time high right now, weight-wise, and while I'm not what you would call obese, my BMI does classify me as "overweight" and none of my clothes fit.
2. Stick to the charting and Chinese medicine this month, and stay the hell off of FertilityFriend boards. They make me a bit crazy.

I had acupuncture last night and, again, my TCM doctor says that she really thinks we can conceive naturally. She compared my charts over the last 3 months and we can see a definite improvement in my temperatures. That gives me some reassurance, though I wish I could just let go and stop obsessing. Thanks to all of you for your kind support - it's greatly appreciated.