Another BFN.

Got the beta call about an hour ago - another BFN.  I expected it, but one always hopes that the HPT's were wrong.  I'm in much better mental shape about this one than I was last time.  I teared up a little when I drove from the clinic this morning, but other than that I haven't even cried.  I'm just tired.  Sick and tired of 3+ years of infertility treatment, month after month of disappointment, and failed treatment after failed treatment.  (This will be my "lucky" 7th failed treatment).  The plan now is to find a new clinic and figure out what the hell is wrong with my uterus.

Not looking good...

So much for my iron will and nerves of steel!  I tested this morning.  BFN.  Not even the tiniest whisper of a line.  It's still a little early (9dp5dt) but my hope is fading fast.  At this time last cycle, I had a positive, even though my beta was only 11.  They say that thawed embryos tend to implant later and be slower starters, so that's really my only solace.  I'll test again tomorrow and we'll see what Friday's beta brings.  I'm having cramps on and off, but they could be premenstrual cramps. 

Still here... waiting it out

Checking in after a busy weekend!  We went down to our beach house and did a lot of housework.  I scraped wallpaper and cleaned in general.  I also went kayaking on Saturday with my mother in law, which was very fun.  I worried a little about over-exerting myself, but it was very easy and laid back.  I figured if my 75-year-old mother in law can do it, so can I!  Trying to keep my mind distracted, so that I don't get anxious or tempted to test.  So far, I have no desire to.  Let's hope my resolve holds up until Thursday morning.  Symptom-wise, not that much to report.  I've had some twinges in the ute area, my boobs are very full, though not particularly sore, some gas, that's about it.  (Sorry if TMI).  I'm trying not to over-analyze it.  If it worked, it worked, if not, we'll try again.  Just trying to stay positive!

PUPO (again)

I am PUPO (again).  (= pregnant until proven otherwise)  The day started rough but the transfer went smoothly.  I woke up at 4:30 AM with an earache and couldn't get comfortable, so I got up.  (The same ear that gave me trouble over my last IUI cycle).  I assume that the Z-pack antibiotics I'm already on for the transfer should zap the ear infection.  I'm pretty tired though and will go to bed early tonight.

They thawed 2 embryos and both survived the thaw and looked "good" according to the embryologist.  Both were transferred and I laid there listening to my iPod for 25 minutes.  The Bunny didn't come with me this time, as he had a lot of work piled up after the long weekend.  It was fine without him, though.  I had a celebratory lunch at PF Chang's and am now in "sofa" mode.  I'll have a blood draw Friday for E2 levels, then the beta the following Friday.  I'll try my damndest not to test till Thursday, and even then I plan to only do a digital test. 

Transfer eve...

Getting ready for the big day tomorrow.  I had a nice weekend at our beach house (though we did chores the whole time and didn't even get to the beach!)  Now I'm cleaning the house, doing laundry, preparing food and doing other chores so that I can take it easy the next 2 days.  I'll have my last glass(es) of wine tonight and a nice dinner. (Yes, I drank in moderation during this cycle).  The transfer will be at 11:30 AM tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to seeing how my frosties do.  I'll get to meet them tomorrow.  Please, God, let this be the one.

All clear for transfer!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I'm just letting things move along this cycle without obsessing too much.

I had my one and only monitoring appointment this morning.  The doctor thought she saw some fluid in my abdomen, but it turned out that she just had the wand pointed the wrong way!  It freaked me out for a minute.  My lining is fine (though I didn't get the measurement number) so all is clear for my transfer on Tuesday.  They'll thaw the embryos that morning.  I have 2 vials with 2 embies in them, and 1 vial with 1.  So, they'll thaw one of the ones with 2, then if one of those doesn't survive the thaw, they'll thaw the single one.  They have about a 75% survival rate of the thawed embryos.  (Is this good?  I think I've heard higher rates from other clinics).  Anyway, we have plenty to work with.  I'm done with Lupron as of today, continuing on the estrogen patches and pills, and I'll start the Crinone tomorrow.  I'll check back in on transfer day.

Right on schedule

Things are going right on schedule!  AF came as expected and today was my last day of 10 units of Lupron.  Tomorrow I'll start the "calendar" (as my clinic calls it).  I'll be doing estrogen pills and patches along with 5 units of Lupron daily.  Then, I'll start the Crinone, antibiotics and steroids a few days before the transfer.  The transfer is still scheduled for May 31 (the day after Memorial Day), unless something goes wrong with my lining, in which case the transfer will be postponed. 

I'm still having headaches and crappiness from the Lupron, but I'm hoping it will subside when I decrease the dose tomorrow.  I'm in a totally different place mentally this cycle - not as cheery, calm and positive as I was last time.  I'm also very stressed out with work.  Hopefully things will calm down and I'll be in a better mindset, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much this time.

Lupron = rough!

I've been on the Lupron for over a week now and it's been a little tougher this time.  I've had pretty bad headaches every day and been VERY moody!  I just got AF and will call tomorrow for my meds schedule.  I'll be starting all those patches and pills later this week, I imagine.  I hope these weeks go by fast, I just want to have the transfer ASAP!

I just got a call from my brother that his wife is pregnant, due in early December. It's the first grandchild in our family!  It was nice of him to call me and let me know ahead of our mother's day get together today.  I have to say, I don't feel bitter or resentful about it, just a tinge of jealousy.  I am also really thrilled for them and if all goes well, maybe we'll be pregnant together.  That would be really awesome for our family if that happens.  If anyone I know IRL reads this, keep mum please!

IF on the brain!

I was filling out visa paperwork for a client today and look what the security code was:



I swear, I can't get away from IF!  LOL

In other news, I started Lupron today.  Stopping BCP's next week, then the fun begins.

Bargain basement FET

I'm absolutely floored by how "cheap" this FET is compared to the fresh cycle.  The clinic sent me a quote of $1441.39 for the transfer (including thawing, culture, ultrasound and transfer).  I got my meds yesterday and they were only $79!  I guess all the Follistim and Menopur and other non-covered drugs add up on a fresh cycle.  Even if we don't end up with a take home baby, our wallets will get a break this cycle. 

FET schedule

The FET is officially on the books.  Schedule is as follows:

4/14 - Started BCP's
4/27 - Start Lupron
5/8 - Stop BCP / wait for period
Then comes a super complicated calendar of estrace / Lupron and patches
5/31 - Transfer date
6/9 (Approx) - Beta day

Maybe we'll have some good luck, finally!

Decision: made

We thought about it over the weekend and have decided to go ahead with the FET.  If this one doesn't work, we'll decide whether to switch clinics.  I'll be starting BCP's in a few days.  We are telling NO ONE in real life, not even our parents.  (If anyone I know IRL reads this please keep mum).  Transfer will be some time in May.

100th post!

Welcome to my 100th post!  This blog started when my fertility treatment started and I can't believe it's been 100 posts.  Thanks for sharing the journey with me.

I just got back from a much-needed vacation.  It was nice to get away and recharge my batteries.  I was hoping to have a message from my doctor's office when I got back, but no such luck.  I called them today and scheduled a consult for April 8 to discuss next steps.  I'm still not sure if I'll stick with them for the FET - I'll decide after the consult.  To add insult to injury, I had a bill waiting for me when I got back of over $1800 for some things that my insurance didn't cover (apparently when they saw the "infertility" diagnosis, they denied EVERYTHING).  I'm going to try and fight it a little bit, but I doubt they'll pay.  I HATE that so few insurance companies cover fertility treatments.

I'm still feeling pretty bad about the IVF failure.  Those first two weeks were the worst - I walked around in a total funk.  I could barely get out of bed, go to work and get through my day.  It's getting a little better (I've started exercising again and the trip really helped) but still not fully ready to get back on the horse for the FET.  I imagine it will probably take place around May.

Grieving and moving on

First, I appreciate everyone's support through this whole process.  You ladies can really relate to what I'm going through, more than anyone I know in "real life."  I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your thoughts, prayers and wonderful comments.

I had a rough day Friday after hearing the news.  I got the news while at work, and had to keep myself together until I got home.  I already pretty much knew it was over, so it wasn't a total shock.  It was hard to break it to the Bunny, but he took it a lot better than I expected.  He just comforted me and said we'll have to keep trying.  After a lot of tears, now I just feel numb.  I know it's not the end of the world.  After losing my wonderful Dad at age 22, no other hardship in my life has been as bad as that.  So, that helps me put things in perspective.

Now, I need to talk to my clinic to get their point of view on why this failed, especially since it was such a "perfect" cycle.  I really like my clinic, but their frozen embryo transfer (FET) results are pretty dismal.  There is a much better clinic about 30 minutes away in Philadelphia.  So, I may switch clinics for the FET.  I'm still waiting for AF to start, but we'd like to do the FET maybe in April or May.   We have 5 frozen embies, so hopefully we'll get 2 FET's out of it.